Minimal Water Damage.

4 notes

On the bright side I’m glad she left, cos you know what? It helped my career. Cos I’m driven now. I’m driven by a fantasy that one day this girl who I loved more than anything in the world, and she said she loved me then left, one day she’s gonna be living in a trailer park somewhere in Alabama… living with this ex-welder, 600 pounds, fur all over his back, drinks warm beer, farts, belches, beats the kids, watches The Dukes of Hazzard every fucking night, and has to have it explained to him.
She’s gonna have nine, naked little kids with rickets that bring home dead animals from the side of the road for them to eat at night, burrs in the hair, mud on their face, rats laying babies in their ears at night. One night that welder’s gonna be making love to her, and he’s gonna be on top and suddenly his heart’s gonna explode, and she’s gonna be trapped under 600 pounds of flaccid, fish-belly cellulite, shifting like the tides of the ocean as blood, phlegm and bile pours out of his mouth and nose…. into her face, and just before she drowns in that tepid puddle of afterbirth… she’s gonna turn to The Tonight Show and I’m gonna be on it. So you see, I’m not bitter.